Should we feel guilty when we’re just not feeling the jolliness of the holiday? It’s something we all struggle with. I’m caught in this in between space of feeling bad about not feeling great. Feeling crappy in general because things aren’t all wonderful and peachy keen. Then there’s this feeling of edginess that comes with not wanting to be the grinch who stole Christmas. As much I wish I could be all happy go lucky and chipper and all about spreading Christmas cheer life has presented some not so awesome challenges that make it difficult to be super cheerful, grateful, and joyful. After a Landmark course I took two years ago, exactly right at Christmas time in 2012 I learned a deep insightful lesson about authenticity. Authenticity is something I’ve always worked to live by. Although the true understanding of the term was really magnified after Landmark. Had I really been being authentic all these years? Somewhat, but not completely. The greater understanding I had of the authentic meaning of authenticity the more I delved into my own never ending self discovery. That’s how Landmark was authenticated to us. As a self-discovery. And that really is what it is. A mirror into oneself. A most spectacular opportunity, window into oneself. We claim authenticity, but are we truly authentic? Do we live with the utmost truth and authenticity in our actions, gestures, interactions with those around us? This is the question I ponder as I wrap up this holiday season and a very un-Merry welcome end to this Christmas evening. There’s a constant internal struggle I feel with my own authenticity. I just can’t seem to get it right. Am I really that confused? Do others feel this way also? I think there are others. I know there are others who feel my pain. There’s a painful tug of war between my own emotions and expressing them authentically and the compassion I have for my loved ones. Ignoring my own feelings which essentially makes me totally, completely and utterly inauthentic to ensure they are not deprived of a Merry Christmas. I think the bright side here is acknowledging my own inauthenticity to spare others the grief of my pain. Acknowledging that it is ok to set aside your own emotions and lack of joy so others can be Merry at this festive time. That’s what I walk away with. Should I be upset that people are not intuitively all knowing, self absorbed and don’t see below the surface to know something is wrong with me? No of course not. No because then I’d just be on a never ending not-so-Merry Go Round of what is supposed to be a very Merry Christmas.