Feelings – An Essay


I’m not certain what to make of it all.

Life didn’t quite play out as I’d hoped. It’s different than I’d imagined. My mind held so many hopes and dreams, wishes I would surely see into being.

And some of them very much manifesting before my eyes, but the ones that seemed easier to obtain listless, lifeless, no hope of resurrecting, those are the ones I hold onto.

It’s human nature I suppose – to wish for what you don’t have.

I do my best to appreciate what I do have. Rather than dwell on what is not there let me hold joy and gratitude exponentially for what is there.

That’s about the best I can do.

Life is strange right now. I woke up to an orange sky the other day. As if life could not get any more bizarre.

We don’t go out like we used to. A nice little wine happy hour with a girlfriend or two is good for the spirit. Hearty for the soul. Those days seem so far behind us.

And now twice since my parent’s moved to the country they’ve been forced to flee.

Our dry state, beautiful still, dry from years of a water shortage is causing great chaos. I love this state still. It’s beautiful and it is home. I will hold it dear even as fires rear their heads up and down and all around. Even as the sky pushes orange hues overhead and clouds our vision into an eery sort of apocalyptic spell – I will continue loving California.

We will get through this. We get through everything don’t we? We come together stronger. We push harder when push comes to shove. We see what we’re made of. We’re made of love, resolve, strength and fight.

We’re made of grit and push and heart. And I look forward to the new normal. I welcome it. I see a day when we can get back to that happy hour – not ready to get back out there just yet even though quizzically the state is opening back up.

Just reading an article about more than half of the adult cases of Covid-19 are from people who have dined out. Something just not right about for me. No judgment, just saying.

And the fires have left us with hazy, dusty skies. Hard to dispel a sunny day from a gloomy one, but we will have sunshine again for we are made of heart and soul and we are made of a whole lot of fight.


Sue Dhillon is a journalist, writer, author, trainer and energy worker. She is the founder and editor of SuesBlues Magazine.

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Sue Dhillon is an Indian American writer, journalist, and trainer.